I'm Not Sick But I'm Not Well
an unfiltered look at Music, Pop Culture, and Mental Health through the eyes of an independent hip hop artist with a new guest every week.
I'm Not Sick But I'm Not Well
EP #1 Skydxddy: From Camper Living to TikTok Fame
Skydxddy shares her journey through music and mental health. From living in a camper to going viral on TikTok, her story highlights her resilience and inspiration. This episode explores how women in music address mental health through honest storytelling.
yo, what's up everybody, welcome to. I'm not sick, but I'm not well today. I'm really stoked about the guests we have. I'm I'm stoked we have a song together. I'm really stoked, you know, as of yesterday, just to get to know her in general. I've been watching her and seeing her blow up on the Internet and make really engaging, awesome content that is really focused on mental health and just being real altogether, and that's, as you know, something that I'm obviously a big fan of in art and just in general. So I can't be happier to have Sky Daddy with us today. Welcome.
Speaker 2:Thanks, hey, thank you for having me. Yeah, it's awesome, I'm stoked.
Speaker 1:you're here Like I'm. I'm like serious. There's a lot of like content that's out and a lot of people making stuff and putting things on the internet. We were just kind of talking about what makes things go viral and what makes things engaging to people in general, and you've seemed to kind of figure out a way to stay true to yourself and your own experience and story and make content that is engaging in the same at the same time, which a lot of people aren't able to do yeah. I think it's awesome it's.
Speaker 2:I appreciate that it's. It's cool, it's definitely. I think it's a process that a lot of people don't like, where, where they fail to like see success is they just don't continue it Like I hate to be that like broken record of, like being persistent and having that like continuous habitual. Okay, I'm going to post this like every day or every other day, like you have to be dedicated to your fan base and you you have to continue feeding them because they are fucking hungry. I don't know if I'm allowed to cuss.
Speaker 1:You can cuss all the fucking as fucking much as you want, dude.
Speaker 2:But like you know, like they're really, they want things they like yearn for things which makes sense, like they're dedicating their time and possibly money to you, so giving them what they want is it's important. As far as like authenticity goes, I feel like a lot of people like kind of see other things going well and then try to like mimic it and sometimes that can work, but like I feel like the best things that like go well, even something I noticed that you do when it comes to like skits that you do or things like that. Like you you kind of follow that format but you make it your own.
Speaker 2:And that's what people like to see. They like to see a variation of something and like, not something that they've seen over and over again, you know, but yeah.
Speaker 1:What is the Internet? And a lot of times the Internet is like everybody's kind of basing their stuff off of something somebody did before.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And someone asked me this question the other day when I was in an interview. They asked me about music and they were like is there is at the point of music now? Is there any invention or is it all just innovation?
Speaker 2:I feel like it's kind of the second one. I feel especially because, like you ever notice when you like you start making a song and you're like shit that exists already, or you're like, you're like that melody is in my head because I heard it four days ago or even like it's like the Pixies or something, and you're like I do that all the time and it sucks because I end up having to like send it to my team or my girlfriend and be like, does this exist already?
Speaker 2:Because I genuinely don't know. I started writing a song the other day called Anxiety that ended up having like one of the same melodies from a Disney song and I didn't even realize it. I was like, oh, that's which song?
Speaker 1:and I didn't even realize it and was like, oh, that's which Disney song was it?
Speaker 2:It's from Beauty and the Beast.
Speaker 1:What song?
Speaker 2:It was the one that's like, the one where they're like going to kill the beast, where it's like da da da, grab your pitchforks and you're da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da da. And yeah, it just had that kind of like melody.
Speaker 1:Was that the one you showed?
Speaker 2:me yesterday. No, that was Choker, that was a different one. It's similar.
Speaker 1:I think that goes kind of hard. Who cares if you kind of rip a Disney song and gain it for a little bit. What are they going to?
Speaker 2:do. I don't know if I'll recover. I would like. It'll be great in publicity.
Speaker 1:I mean I've sampled like a bunch of Disney shit.
Speaker 2:Are you serious?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you posted it, dude I have like a Marvel song where we just completely ripped the yeah, I'm not going to get sued, are we going to laugh? But we just sampled the Avengers theme song and we made a rap beat out of it?
Speaker 2:Is it posted everywhere? Yeah, it's been everywhere. It's on Spotify and stuff.
Speaker 1:It went viral in that world.
Speaker 2:And no one contacted you and was like you need a cease and desist. Isn't that what they're supposed to do, or something?
Speaker 1:I don't that what they're supposed to do, or?
Speaker 2:something. I don't know what they're supposed to do.
Speaker 1:Oh, my God, you know what happened. We just played Orlando House of Blues, which is on Disney property.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And there was four acts on the bill. There was four acts on the bill and anybody who plays, because it's in downtown Disney, so anybody who plays at that venue they have to completely vet. And I was the one artist that came back and they were like yeah, he's not allowed to play here.
Speaker 2:Why Is it because of that.
Speaker 1:They said that I was promoting drugs and violence.
Speaker 2:When do you ever do that in your music?
Speaker 1:And they said that I also used their characters and property in ways that they didn't approve of Really Something crazy.
Speaker 2:That's insane.
Speaker 1:I had to write this whole letter about myself. Well, I went through just my song titles and I was like I guess, if you didn't listen to any of my music and you just based it, on song titles I have a song called Fentanyl. I have a song called Hole in your Head, oh, but I'm like you didn't listen to what the song is actually about, so you don't.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You just have this idea, Just like ran. Someone ran through and was like, yeah, we can't do this.
Speaker 2:That's so stupid. It's not like you're saying, do drugs, it's. You're probably raising awareness of the drug.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean fentanyl, just like. Yeah, this dude can't play, like that's not Disney friendly, exactly. Oh, my God but they never were like we're going to sue you for it.
Speaker 2:That's good, that's good.
Speaker 1:But also I've always just kind of sampled shit and not Really thought about. Really thought about it.
Speaker 2:The repercussions of it.
Speaker 1:No, but is is like you'll then be that person that just got sued by disney or like just got reached out to by whoever or whatever, and in this day and age, it's like it's worth it for the story that's true because if disney sues you or some you know yeah, then you get to talk about it yeah, and that kind of content gets more eyes than actual song that's a good point.
Speaker 1:That's a good point, but also with mine with sampling stuff and doing all that. I was just always and I don't know if you're the same, but I never thought I would get to the level I'm at so I'd have to worry about anybody suing me like caring or even knowing the song existed exactly I get that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I totally get that so where's?
Speaker 1:because I we were talking yesterday and you were telling me just a couple years ago, you're still living, you know, and and very like low means and now you're obviously doing much better so where's? You never thought you'd get to a point where you're at now.
Speaker 2:Obviously, no, no, I think that music was always just like, okay, this is something I'm gonna do, and I wasn't even gonna do it because I like I always wrote songs and stuff, but they were always very kind of like they never dug into trauma or anything like that. And then I ended up like going through all the trauma that I went through. My girlfriend came and got me from New York after shit happened there and she actually, like I was, I went through this downward spiral of like I was so depressed. I was like I was either drunk or high all the time, like I was. I went through this downward spiral of like I was so depressed I was like I was either drunk or high all the time, like I needed to numb myself from like just all the pain and shit. And she was like, have you ever heard of NF? And I was like no, who's that? And so she let me listen to NF.
Speaker 2:Like early MGK, black Flag Nation kind of stuff, where he's really into the mental health stuff. And like Eminem and like just kind of helped me, he's really into the mental health stuff. And um, like eminem and like just kind of helped me enter the world, hops in, be mike, the, the mental health people, and she was like well, like, what if you did this but like gave the perspective a woman could give? Like, because these dudes are doing it and like that's great, but like women don't have that voice and that, that perspective of like. Oh, this is what we go through.
Speaker 2:These very specific topics need to be talked about, um, and I think there's a handful of girls that do it, um, but not a lot. And I was like you're crazy, like there's no way I can do that. These people are so talented. There's no way, and I actually it was such a random thing that happened, but I was at work and there was these guys there that like became my friends and like, you know, when you're around like some types of dudes, and they like try to be like dudes around other dudes, you know oh, just like the sort of locker room talk sort of exactly they started.
Speaker 2:They just like started making jokes about like consent and like our word and stuff like that and it made me so angry and because I was like you could just never possibly understand what that's like unless you go through it, and we were laying down bricks at the time.
Speaker 1:Where were you working?
Speaker 2:I was working at Live Nation as a maintenance worker so we like did all this stuff around like the concert venue or whatever. And yeah, we were laying down bricks and I picked one up and I almost hit someone in the face with it because I got so mad. I saw Red and I just got pissed off and he was just an idiot, so I just almost hit him with it and Megan got me the job, so she took it from my hand and was like go walk it off and I got really upset because I was about to get fired and wound someone. But that was the moment where just in my head, I think, I already had the thoughts of like oh, she's told me that I should do this and I like blew it off. But like the lyrics, I shouldn't take things so serious. I don't think they mean any harm, but it would sicken you too if it happened to you and you had to relive every part just kind of came to me and that was the beginning of everything, where it just like I realized that music wasn't. I'm gonna sit down and write a. It's like you living in an experience and in that moment like that's why I feel like the best songs, like it's when you take your phone out and be like, oh, this is an idea that I have or these are thoughts that I have, and then it just kept going where it's like here come the flashbacks and the panic attacks. How long does that shit last? It was just a conversation I was having with myself and then I I just kind of kept doing that and I kept it to myself for the longest time.
Speaker 2:Um, and then I started doing gay remixes on tiktok, just as, like a fun thing, mad at disney, dropped the I'm mad at disney thing and it was so fun. I loved it. But I loved the idea of like how disney paints this picture that it needs to just be a man and a woman and a princess who gets saved by a prince and all this bullshit. And I got saved by a woman and I. There was no representation of that. So I did mad at disney, but I made it gay and that was the very first time that I went viral on tiktok and I was living in a camper, like with no plumbing and like no shower.
Speaker 2:We lived on this like campground. That was like gross and like crappy people there, like it was. So it was just not a great place to live, but it was like our only option because COVID just happened. We lost our jobs, like it was just nuts. So, yeah, like I remember posting that video, I was like I had no Wi-Fi, other than when I like propped it up in my window of the camper and it was like you know, like campers have like there's like a bench and then there's a table and then another bench and that's the table I used to sit there with, like I like have permanent damage to my back because I sat there with like a table in my back the whole time, whether I was going live or recording content, and so, yeah, so that went viral.
Speaker 2:And then I continued to do it because people were like, can you do a bi version? Can you do a Like all the different sexualities? And then that just kind of took off and then I was like, oh well, like, if I can do this, maybe I can do this with my original music. And then I promoted Triggered for the very first time, where I like spoke as someone living with PTSD and actually shared my like unfiltered thoughts when it, when it came to trauma, especially like trauma, like sexual assault, and that like was it just found? I found this entire group of people that were like this doesn't exist yet we need this. Um. And then that's when we kind of came to terms with like, okay, this is almost everything that I'm making, aside from the gay stuff. The gay stuff was like this little rainbow that I had whilst I was dealing with all this dark stuff.
Speaker 1:Um did you already have triggered, written and finished, or?
Speaker 2:when I was doing the gay remixes, when you started doing the remixes yeah, it already existed, it just wasn't it was already out I think it was already out, yeah it was even kind of like grinding, just like putting stuff out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for like five years ish. I want to say I think, um, yeah, it was already out, it was just I never. I didn't really take it seriously until after I was like, oh, you could go, like you can do, you can go viral on TikTok, like TikTok's a big deal, and stuff like that. Because I was on Musically and I wanted to be a transitioner where you like, you know, just transition videos that was huge back in the day and I wanted to do that and I had so many of those.
Speaker 2:But, yeah, then like I stopped messing with Musically and then I like came back and it was TikTok and then I really started pursuing that and I started I posted Iconic and I just did like an animated video and that went not like viral, but at the time it went viral. For me it was like 300K, which was like oh my God, that's huge. And then it slowly just started transitioning and like funneling over to Spotify and I remember me and Megan starting to take it seriously. We were like, okay, we just need 100 monthly listeners and 1,000 monthly listeners and we just kept kind of growing and creating that like the relationship with the fans and letting them know like the more things we were going to come out with.
Speaker 2:And for the longest time I had this instagram page emo rap demon. That was just like me. I did this feature with nox hill noxville yeah, it was. It was called reaper and it was pretty graphic, but it was like my like alter ego, like I was like very horror core, just like little white girl that was like threatening to kill people, kind of like you're slim, shady, it was, yeah, it was, which I'll be going back to soon, which I'm excited about because I have this song, not guilty, that's dropping in my debut album.
Speaker 2:that's like a woman fighting back against, like going through domestic violence, so she kills, kills her husband. So it's like this. You know how in hops in I can't remember which one it is, but in the one where he's in the courtroom and he's like something's wrong here, mr D Ritter, and he's like calling out his uh, ill mind.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, one of those, um, so I want to do the same woman testifying or like being tried for the death of her husband, um, but like she's basically being like I did it out of self-defense, kind of thing. Yeah, so it's. Yeah, it's gonna be. Yeah, I have adhd, so if I started rambling I apologize no, that's what.
Speaker 1:No, I think it's great. I I look at it like I think it's dope. I think there is the um. I think there is the um. There's like the knee jerk reaction of people online and to look at, uh, a girl who's going viral and having success and think straight off the bat like uh, this girl didn't work for it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've been called an industry plant so many times. It's hilarious.
Speaker 1:Which is crazy.
Speaker 2:It's so I take it as a compliment because it's like I came from the middle of nowhere in Virginia. Like my mom's a cleaning lady, my dad like worked on cars. Like he's a mechanic. I don't come from any. I have no connection to the industry in any way, shape or form. Maybe a little bit now because I've worked for them and I've created them over the last five years, like you know how it is. Yeah, but yeah, no, that's. It's. That's hilarious to me.
Speaker 1:But they never want to think that women like earn the things that they do or think that they put in enough work well, I just think the fact that you're sitting in your camper putting these songs out or doing these remixes, and I mean shout out like tiktok, really did change the game, because it gave smaller artists yeah a chance to reach an audience.
Speaker 1:it gave artists a chance to reach an audience that wanted a certain type of content but weren't able to get it because, previous to that, the only stuff they're getting is what the labels are putting in front of them or the radio station is getting paid to put in front of them, and so what people actually really want they're not even able to find. And so when you come across somebody's for you page and that's the person, you're what they've been looking for, you're what they connect with. They're able to actually find that. And so you put yourself in a situation where, previous to that it, you can grind forever, and if you're that niche, if you have a niche, it's hard to find your people, it's hard to find your audience, and you can almost get tricked into thinking I suck yeah, I'm not good, I'm not good enough, or there's not an audience for this, or nobody gets it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's like. So not the case. There's just so many gates that are purposely put up by labels and by all these other people so that you need them. And then TikTok just busted down the gate, especially in the early days of TikTok, I don't know as much.
Speaker 2:So now, now, it's a little bit harder to get through because labels took it over Exactly.
Speaker 1:But in the early days it was like that's where you can find all these people that would have normally never seen you before, and I love that. That created power for artists in general it did, and for someone like you who I know you had been grinding before that yeah and to be able to find an audience and pop off in that way is awesome it is.
Speaker 2:It almost felt like there was no other option other than tiktok. It's like now we're like, oh, instagram's kind's kind of the same as TikTok, and they took the same formats.
Speaker 2:Like they literally like, whether it's Reels or YouTube Shorts. They basically became another TikTok, just in their own way. But, like now, you can cross-pollinate and put all your content in different places and then you grow even faster and you make even more money to put back into your art, which is great. But, like when it first got started, it was very much like tiktok was one of the main places where, like I feel like you said, I feel like they were so starved for content that's how I feel about facebook right now like facebook's so starved for, like real content, because it's a whole bunch of like, you know those freaking edging videos where it's like I'm gonna take this cake and I'm gonna lift it really, really slowly and it's like a 30 minute video and it never happens.
Speaker 1:Nothing happens.
Speaker 2:I know I fucking hate it every time I fall for it, every I do too. I do too.
Speaker 1:They're just, oh, they're so annoying I didn't know, it was called an edging video they call them totally makes sense. I know they call them edging videos.
Speaker 2:It's so weird, but like I feel like it's more adults on facebook, like definitely more adult, like yeah, yeah 25 to like all the way up there. Honestly, you know, I would even say more like 30s, 30s yeah, and I feel like they appreciate art a little bit more too.
Speaker 1:Tiktok's a little bit more in the realm of drama and tea and like get ready with me videos and stuff like that and like tiktok's, really like playing the fucking lottery yeah, you're just really rolling the dice yep and sometimes it'll happen even in a case where it doesn't even matter how many followers you have yeah, you could have millions of followers and have a video that gets like 5 000 views, I know, or even like 500 and it'd be like, just like, oh, the algorithm hates me today.
Speaker 2:That's cool, but, like I feel I think there's consistency issues with that too, like if you're not consistent with tiktok, too like, they penalize you for it. Like, and it's so hard, too, to stay consistent on every single platform. I feel, like, like I, I have the biggest issue with that I do too right where you're like oh well, I posted this today, and but then you're like oh, but I didn't post it on tiktok, and then you like, go a couple days or miss the time window all the times you like google, best time to post on so and so I do that.
Speaker 2:It's so annoying.
Speaker 1:I talked to a friend the other day who has like a normal, like office job.
Speaker 2:Oh, weird, yeah, weird.
Speaker 1:But we were talking because he came out to a show and I was with a couple of friends I have that are bigger on TikTok and stuff. We were just talking about algorithm. You know the whole talk about algorithm and views and he's like dude.
Speaker 2:I know it's like a whole world yeah that I have no idea about art and don't even really care about yeah.
Speaker 1:No, I was like it's in the same way if you were talking to your co-workers. I have no idea what your sheets and pnls and, yeah, data entry, whatever the fuck. I have no idea, but it is such a different view. The only difference with ours is there's no way to track it. There's no way to know what's going to happen with it. It changes without telling you. You have to kind of figure out this amalgamation as it's changing. You have to like it's like watch trends.
Speaker 2:Like trends are so weird because sometimes, like, if I something I've noticed that, if, like, if my videos like aren't doing particularly well or something, or the algorithm's not favoring me or whatever, or my content is just shit, they you can like go and scroll through the for you page and like be like, oh, this video had this song playing. Like like I found three videos with this song playing in this style of this trend and like one was they were like oh, they made a nightmare before christmas filter and you, just like you do that, you hop on that trend and it was wild like literally like I, that video that I did, where I just like I put it was a video, a picture of myself, where it, you know, transforms you into that character or whatever. I did that and it hit like three million views in like a day and it like, but it's re-sparks your page because you're like, oh, like more people are coming to it. Tiktok thinks you're popping, like it's.
Speaker 2:There's like ways to kind of trick the system yeah and I feel like that's when you kind of lean into that and like aren't, because I love nightmare before christmas. So if you're not afraid to follow those trends, but in a way that shows your personality, it's not bad for you and it's not bad for your fans and like they enjoy seeing that kind of thing. So like something I've noticed is like when I get really burnt out and I'm like tired of just promoting the same song over and over again, like give it a second, let it breathe, and then like do some kind of random fun, like hot sauce challenge, you know, like just be a person.
Speaker 1:And then do some kind of random fun hot sauce challenge.
Speaker 2:Just be a person, you can't do a hot sauce challenge I can't, you can't do it.
Speaker 1:No, I would die, andrew, and I bought which one? Was it the Last Dab? Yeah, the Last Dab Experience? Whatever, the last hot sauce that they eat on Hot Ones it's like X or something. Yeah, what is it Hold?
Speaker 2:on X Experience oh my god, yes.
Speaker 1:This guy Me and Andrew tried it and it's hot as fuck dude. It is incredibly hot. But Sky, I think, thought that she just tried it. Maybe we can just pull up right now and just throw in the video of her reacting. That I filmed on my phone yesterday. But yeah, you can't do a hot sauce challenge.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, or you?
Speaker 1:could and it would do really awesome, it would probably do fantastic. But there's something to say about just being authentic, and even finding stuff online trends or whatever, as long as it's authentic to you. I think that's maybe the hardest thing to do in being an artist is to find your authenticity, and you would think that it's easy, but it's the hardest thing even in songwriting and figuring out what am I going to talk about?
Speaker 1:what am I going to make my brand about? Nobody thinks about it in a brand way, but like who am I? What are my values? It's a brand. What am I into? A brand. But you don't think about going into that. Yeah, no absolutely not.
Speaker 2:At some point you like you were like oh well, like this is just something that I enjoy doing. I'm just gonna be a musician, I'm gonna be an artist, I'm gonna be a rock star. But like, at some point you do have to be like, oh, this is, this is a business now, and like there's nothing wrong with thinking like that, especially because, like there used to be this time where I used to get a little bit like upset because, especially with trauma core and when I like really created it and started coining that term and stuff, there's a lot of people that are like, oh, you're glamorizing trauma or like you're, you're making light of mental health or making it seem like it's a fun place to be, when it's like no, that's not. Like the whole point of trauma core is to like turn that pain into a powerful like feeling and thing that you can use. And one of my favorite things to do is when I'm like on tour or something and I get on stage and I kind of talk about trauma core and why it exists and how it became what it is.
Speaker 2:Is like I talk about like how, even though I have gone through trauma and I've been at like my worst and I've done all like, gone through all of these things and dealt with all of this pain and abuse. Like I'm still here and I'm on this stage right now, and y'all are all here and you're listening to my story, and I feel like being able to be like, even though you've gone through all that shit, you can still have an amazing fucking life. That's just unlike anything you ever imagined, like that's the whole essence of it and that's why we do what we do and that's why I think being able, like you see other people doing it like the best example is jelly, roll and bunny right now. It's like all the things that they went through and they've created very much a business you know, so there's I don't think there's anything wrong with being like yes, I am a business owner, I am a CEO, I I am in charge of all the things that I do, because I built it from the ground up and this is my empire now and I'm going to protect it and I'm going to let it continue to grow and stuff Even the things that what you're doing right now, like with the heart, hop right, like it's it's. It's like your baby and you've you've created it and you've cultivated and you've watered it and you've taken care of it.
Speaker 2:And I think there's a lot of people that like to feel like there's something wrong with mental health artists for, let's say, prophetizing off of people in pain, but what we're doing is we're putting our pain into it. I like to explain it as like we're like dark artists, creating paintings that are like really dark and dramatic and and black and sometimes bloody and stuff, and people go into our galleries and sometimes they buy paintings, you know, and that's. And when I think about it like that, where it's like I'm just an artist, like I'm just selling my paintings to people and if they buy it, they buy it and if they don't, they don't. It helps so much compared to being like, oh, I'm like trying to trying to profitize and market off of these vulnerable people which, like you know, people get in your head like that.
Speaker 1:It's toxic. I'm not trying to profit on anybody's pain except my own, except mine, exactly, and we have every right to. We went through a lot. I've never, I've never, tried talking about, I've never talked about anybody else's shit. Yeah, yeah, fox, I've never tried talking about, I've never talked about anybody else's shit.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, facts.
Speaker 1:I've never in a song talked in a way that's. You get me right. My shit has always been. I'm going to just put this out here because it's what I'm going through, it's what I've been through, it's my experience and, at the end of the day, it's all I can write about anyways yeah, so that's so true this is.
Speaker 1:This is my story and I can't do anything about it. This is my story, it's what I. It's what I'm here to talk about, yeah, and if you relate with it and you connect with it, and what I'm putting out here is a product that makes you feel better yeah it makes you feel like you're not so alone and make you feel like somebody gets you in the world. I've been on the other side of that and to me I will pay for that.
Speaker 2:That's what.
Speaker 1:I pay for when I go to a movie. I want something that feels like I'm not so alone. Somebody gets me, Somebody went through the same thing I went through and is talking about something that resonates with me. That's worth every fucking penny, every single time In a song. If something can make me feel that way, it's worth every single time.
Speaker 2:I completely agree.
Speaker 1:And if I, know an artist is out there doing the work to show themselves. It's worth it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And you're not profiting off of anybody else's pain. What you're doing is giving people an outlet. Yeah, and it's like this is a product that I've created out of my own shit and it's like the trauma core thing. I think it's dope, I think it's awesome and I don't find I've never found it in a way of like, of feeling like it's trying to profit off of some shit. It always felt like it was you just coining a term for what you've already been doing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly, and putting like slapping a label on it and being like what?
Speaker 1:actually is this and it's like, well, I'm talking about these things I've been through and it's got like a hardcore element to it, it's trauma core, that's what the fuck it is. I'm like, yeah, okay. And when I hear it and I hear the name next to it, it makes sense.
Speaker 2:It makes sense, yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1:And I think that's great. Like I make a song called trauma. I made this song after I went to a like a two week trauma retreat retreat like a men's retreat, like a group thing where we all talked about our traumas for two weeks jesus and had this crazy. It sounds so intense it was fucking intense. Yeah, jesus like where somebody is playing my dad and I have to talk to my dad like all this kind of stuff and it was one of the most like, powerful, life-changing things.
Speaker 1:And when I got back home I was like I feel like a lot of people don't know what I know now of like what trauma actually is and how it doesn't have to be something huge. It can be it can be something completely life altering, or it could be something as small as, like my dad never made me feel like I was worth anything or I didn't feel like there was any currency for love in my house so I didn't know how to get what I needed. That's trauma.
Speaker 2:It's small true, I was talking to my mom about that today where, like, I wasn't really allowed to be like loud in my house, like I kind of got yelled at for being too loud, or like nowadays. I asked my I was in a bad relationship where I couldn't like I just couldn't exist like as a person. So so I even I'm like, is it okay if I change the channel? And she gets so like like I'm not in control of you, like this is your house, you even pay the bills. Yes, you can change the channel, but we're so like bred to believe all these things.
Speaker 2:So it's the same thing like with your dad's stuff. You have these things that have been like you've been reprogram, programmed to just believe certain stuff, and it's so toxic and it's so unhelpful. So, like, going to things like that and actually doing the work, it's actually really beautiful, which, let's be fucking honest, a lot of men don't take the time to do. And it's like with people in general. If that stuff like festers inside you, it creates so much toxicity and then you put it on to other people.
Speaker 2:So like, like I don't know on behalf of like, like women and stuff, like, thank you for doing that and taking that time to do that, like because that's beautiful, like good for you for actually deciding to do that, because that taking that step is huge and I'm glad that it helped, like I mean, I'd like to, I'd like to think that it was something I really you know, life kind of decides for you sometimes yeah and puts you in a place how did that happen? Did you like come across it on like google?
Speaker 1:I just I hit my own rock bottom oh yeah and was like I need to figure out what's going on, why I'm, why I feel the way I feel, why I'm making the decisions that I'm making, why I'm like, uh, you know, wanting to, always, wanting to escape, why, you know, like I have my past with drugs and alcohol, and where is all this coming from and what does it mean? And, yeah, I went online and searched out something somewhere I could go, something like it was causing problems in like friendships and relationships and it was all because of me. I was so unwilling to be vulnerable, so unwilling to let go of control and so scared to let anybody in that I just kept everybody at a distance and I was always isolated and I was unhappy and the people around me were unhappy because they're like, well, I don't know you like, like I can't get in.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I had to figure something out. And so that's finding out these little things and finding out that you have all these small little traumas, because also trauma has, like that word itself has. It needs to be big or like dramatic it has gotten turned into this coin term that people have kind of fucked up.
Speaker 2:It has.
Speaker 1:I completely agree, and it's gotten to a point where when people hear it, they go fuck, I don't stop.
Speaker 2:Trust me, I get it yeah.
Speaker 1:Which sucks, because that's not fair.
Speaker 2:It does. I completely agree yeah.
Speaker 1:Because other people have taken it and tried to profit on it in a shitty way, and so if you're being genuine to it, in my opinion, like anything that stops you from being authentic can be looked at as something traumatic. Yeah, whatever stops you from being even early on as a kid. If it's like I need to change me to get my needs met, then there's something wrong there. If you ever felt like you're not good just for being here right now that's it, you don't need to do anything else, then that's, that's a problem.
Speaker 2:I feel that I totally I like growing up gay Like I felt like there was so much wrong with me, like I used to pray to God every day to turn me straight. Every single day. I, yeah, like I had this like chant quote prayer in my head. That was like it was. Yeah, god, it was like I even like I'm thinking about like doing like this pride album in the future, but like kind of talking about.
Speaker 2:You know, there's like gay icons out nowadays that are like kind of bubbly and a little bit more light-hearted, like I want to say like chapel rowan and renee rap and like you know, or even like lady gaga, they had these like born this way and like all this glittering and stuff. But like there's a lot of, dare I say, trauma and like stuff that comes with that that people don't really like talk about, like internalized homophobia, like people hating themselves for being a certain way, for something they can't change. It sucks so much because like then your family gets involved and then they like put scriptures in your head and like my grandmother like completely disowned me after I came out to her, after I was forced to come out to her, and it like wrecked me because then I was like, oh well, I'm supposed to be with a man. And then I like, when I did those things and I was miserable and I was like with really bad, abusive people and it was just a really bad situation.
Speaker 2:But I used to pray every single day since I was like, since I realized that I was gay, and it was like just small things here and there, whether it was like seeing things or like girls on TV where, like my, my sister was like really into Rupert Grint from like Harry Potter or something like that and like crushing on these dudes. I was like crushing on these girls and it was just so obvious that the people in my family weren't cool with that and it was just very like they always like we. We used to watch Grey's Anatomy at my grandma's house and a kissing scene between two girls came on and she was like that's disgusting, turn it off, we're eating or something. And then you feel like, oh, okay shame shame, so much shame.
Speaker 2:I can't ever tell you that this is who I am. And then my freaking god. I found I went to middle school, which was like, or high school, which was like our middle schools and high schools were connected to each other. So I met megan and she turned my world upside down because I fell head over heels in love with her and she was just like this hot jock that was just so perfect. And I was so in love and I was like, oh, I just want to be her friend, like this is just a best friend thing. And then she started hanging out with girls and I got jealous and it was this whole thing. But at the time I like I prayed every night. I was like like my mom was like, when you feel like you need to confess your sin, say, father, forgive me, I have sinned. And then you say what the sin is right, that's how you confess your sins. So I was like, father, forgive me, I have sinned.
Speaker 2:I've been thinking of kissing women again and like I'm going to turn it into a lyric at some point, because it's it's like a song, like I created a song called homophobe that I even like promoted a while back but I never pursued it because it's something that's just like. It's so personal to me and I think and I I still struggle with it to this day where, like people always get in your head where they're like, oh, you should be with a guy, or like I, I expected you to be a mother and like, have kids by now and and be with this and that and the other, and it's so toxic. Honestly, it sucks so much because like not for nothing and like not like nothing against like men in general. But there's a lot of guys out there that are like I don't have to have my shit together, I don't need to be mentally stable, I don't need to be financially stable, I don't need to be any kind of stable to put a ring on this woman's finger and and make her mine.
Speaker 2:Meanwhile, my girlfriend, the saint she is, she always thinks she's toxic, she always thinks that she's like I deserve better. She needs to have a perfect credit score, she needs to be mentally slick, perfect, like all of these things that like dudes don't even think about. Like most dudes, I'm from Virginia. It's like the South, so it's just. It's a different vibe, so it's just. I don't know, even know how we got on this conversation.
Speaker 1:I think it's interesting.
Speaker 2:I'm so you're raised in like a really religious like household so my, my grandmother was really religious, like bible doctrine every night and it kind of transferred over to my mother and she never like forced religion on us. But it was always this very unspoken we she called what were like called non-denominational christians or something like that, where you like believe in god but you don't believe in having to do anything to get into heaven. I guess I think is how they explained it. You like believe in God but you don't believe in having to do anything to get into heaven. I guess I think is how they explained it. You just believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and that he died on the cross for your sins.
Speaker 2:It's just these things that are quoted to you as a kid and you don't even have time to be like is this true, is this not true? And then, and then you see these people that are so like their faith is so strong and it's so and it's almost this beautiful thing. And then it's like yeah, of course your faith is strong. You're like like you're straight and you're like, or like you're a guy, or like there's certain things about you that makes it so.
Speaker 2:Following the bible is not a difficult thing to do yeah, and then there's like people like me who were like born and it's just like it. I, it is what it is and I am who I am and I've never I never really was like oh well, there's, there's nothing wrong with being gay, because there was always that thing in my head or that scripture being thrown at me, or like every Christmas, my grandma sent me this like little Bible packet thing that you know. It's like this passive, aggressive way of being, like you need to be straight, like it's just, it's like, like things like that, like that in itself is trauma, even if, like, so many people are like, well, that's like not as a big deal as this or like whatever. It just it eats away at you and it's like this thing that I'm trying so hard for it to leave. Like I every thing.
Speaker 2:When I went on tour every single day, when I sang for the Misfits during one of the lines I like because Megan's like my DJ, she like presses the button on my laptop I pulled her on stage and we like we kissed and we had this moment and I got to show other lesbians or gay people in the crowd like hey, this is okay and I never had that growing up and I needed that. So I felt like, even though it it was scary, because I know for a fact that when I went to on tour with Citizen Soldier, there wasn't nothing but accepting people there. You know, like you know for a fact, there are homophobic people. That exists within the world and in the crowd, and it is a scary thing for both of us, but like it felt so freeing to just be like.
Speaker 2:This is who I am. If you have a problem with it, that that's really not. That doesn't concern me anymore. And growing up I was such a people pleaser and I wanted to be the perfect kid and I wanted to have everything right with me and it just it never worked Cause, at the end of the day, like you don't choose who you fall in love with. And I've been in love with her since I was 15 years old and I'm 27 and nothing has changed. So it's just I don't know. It's just this crazy thing. I don't know.
Speaker 1:I think when you're kind of when you're, when you grow up with shame for who you are it makes it really difficult, like you build a whole narrative for yourself of I'm like there's something wrong with me, I'm not good, and then that carries over into so many other things.
Speaker 2:My health anxiety is so it's so bad.
Speaker 1:And then it becomes not even just about your sexuality, it becomes about everything.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm flawed, something's wrong. I'm not good.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:I think, like I've always. I thought about this fact a couple of years ago, when I was growing up. I had like three stepdads, but I had one stepdad who hated. This is like a very like, like low stakes version of just he hated Kevin Costner the actor, I hated him. I wanted this guy to like me because he was like my new stepdad, and so I was like whatever this dude says is like scripture, so to speak.
Speaker 2:We weren't religious or anything, but I was like yeah, I fucking, fucking hate kevin costner too.
Speaker 1:I don't have any reason to hate kevin costner. I don't even really know who kevin costner is, even now oh no I like kevin costner, but I can't fuck with him like that oh and I don't like it. And I'm like, logically, I'm like, I know this dude's a great actor, he's in great movies.
Speaker 2:Yeah, my stepdad sucked I have to like look up, I fucking hated that guy that's. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:I my that stepdad ended up being like a con artist his entire everything he ever told my mom was a lie his job, everything, and oh he's so good.
Speaker 2:He's in great, great movies.
Speaker 1:He's an incredible actor and I know that logically, I know logically he's a great actor. Logically, my stepdad sucked. Still there's something in me because that was just embedded at such a young age that I can't fully get rid of it for somebody and it's something so low stakes and I think about that with somebody who has grown up with if you had parents that pushed racist ideology on you, yeah, if you have parents that pushed homophobic ideology on you if any of that stuff and growing up with just that embedded in your dna and growing up knowing this is.
Speaker 1:I know this is not true yeah I know it's not, but I still have it in here, and so it's like a constant battle, and so the idea of growing up with that, those two things battling at the same time, is a lot so much, it's too much, honestly and the reprogramming. Can you fully reprogram?
Speaker 2:that's such a good question honestly, like because I wonder that sometimes, not even with the gay thing, but just like any mental health thing, like, like I was saying, I have like super bad health, anxiety and hypochondria. Like I'm not even kidding. Like a couple weeks ago I thought I was having a stroke and I scared the life out of Megan Cause I I think I was really. I think I, I know I ate a bad pickle, like like a rotten pickle, and I didn't realize pickles go bad so I guess like they can.
Speaker 2:I think I left it out okay and then I tried I put it back in the fridge and then I went back and I got it.
Speaker 1:That's a terrible way to go by the way, if you die by a shitty pickle. It's the fucking words. That's probably how I'm gonna go, because that fucking pickle rick song, dude, that's to haunt me to my grave.
Speaker 2:Oh my God. But like it was just so random and like I was just nauseous and dizzy and I stood up too fast and I like I think prior to that I had saw someone that like had a stroke or something, and I like I sat down and I had very much convinced myself I was having a stroke and I told Megan and I was like call an ambulance. And she was like you need to calm down, because I've had these scares before. Like I thought I've had breast cancer so many times, like obviously it's other things in your family, like my grandma had breast cancer and stuff. But like my hypochondria and my fear and I'm going to tell you I've gotten to the root of it and what it is is.
Speaker 2:I believe and this makes me I'm going to even cry just thinking about it but I believe that so many people have told me this that it's true that because I am gay, I'm going to burn in hell when I die.
Speaker 2:And that's a sicky, that's a sickening fucking thing to feel so, obviously in a world where you're supposed to like, once you go, you go to heaven or like you even just rest peacefully in the ground.
Speaker 2:Those ideas are so nice, but because I physically can't think that and I can't get to that point. I have this unbelievable fear of death and sickness and illness and it's it's manifested into this hypochondria and this health anxiety where I like I get so freaked out over like even the tiniest thing like I've had a cough for a couple of weeks and I know it's just cuz like things are going around, but like in my head it's like, oh, there's something definitely wrong with you and it's terrifying and I like I like I said I went to therapy and she kind of got to the root of like the reason why you feel this way is because, like, you do fear death and you do fear the idea of like Heaven and hell and stuff like that and it, like this, has gotten really deep and crazy, but it's, it's like it's kind of where I expected to go when we were talking.
Speaker 1:Are you still religious?
Speaker 2:I don't know what I am and what's weird. Like I went to nashville at the songwriting retreat and everyone was religious there and I even, like, I performed a song called religion as a woman, just out of like, it was just this cool song that I created and there was this girl there. Her name was Jess and she had her family there, her mom and her dad, and I think they were. I don't know what they're called. They're like ministers or like missionaries or something I can't remember. You know the people that go around and kind of teach about God.
Speaker 2:But after I got done I kind of talked about how I wasn't going to come out while I was there because I was so scared that it was a very religious songwriting camp. And right after I performed it and talked about like going through what I went through with my grandmother and all of the fear that I've had and all the homophobia and like like being dragged relentlessly on the internet for it and all that stuff. Like they came up to me and were literally apologized for every person of the church that had ever made me feel like I was less than or broken or anything. And they just like, they just hugged me and held me and like, on behalf of any church anywhere, I just want you to want you to know like you are perfect and even like said things like in God's eyes and things like that.
Speaker 2:So there's this piece of me that like wants to be religious, just to believe in something and have something to like hold on to, just because of all the shit that I've gone through. But then there's another piece of me that, like you know, you express that and you're in you. You become a self-proclaimed christian or whatever. And then people like, well, you can't be because you're gay and and then it just like boom, like my entire belief system just unravels. So, to answer your question, I just I have no idea what I am.
Speaker 1:Well, I can see like if you're, you know, raised especially with you know, like a grandparent, like you said, that has I think she was like.
Speaker 2:I don't know if she was christian, I think she was Catholic, so it was even more intense but it's just something where it's like this, this God, and and wanting just to be accepted. No, yeah, no. Good for you, man. It's a lot easier that way.
Speaker 1:I mean, it's always been like a sticking point for me, especially because I've been in recovery for so long, yeah, and a big part of recovery is spirituality.
Speaker 2:It's one of the steps right.
Speaker 1:And God is a lot in the steps and that kind of stuff.
Speaker 2:And I've my.
Speaker 1:My relationship with a higher power is like changed so much over the last decade of me thinking like maybe it's something that I want, or trying it and trying to pray and and do all these things and just kind of acting as if, and then where I'm at now, I've kind of just landed on this. I had this conversation with someone the other day of like do you ever feel like you're just like kind of holding on to the reins a little too tight and controlling where you're going and you don't really end up where you want to be?
Speaker 1:yeah, and you're, you're like, maybe I should have just let go of the in you, by the way, yeah maybe I should just let go of the reins and let it take me where it wanted me to go, because I feel a pull of like the universe.
Speaker 2:Megan says that to me all the time. I feel you.
Speaker 1:And so I can feel a pull.
Speaker 2:Are you pulling away from where the universe is trying to pull you?
Speaker 1:Right at this moment, no. But, three, four weeks ago.
Speaker 2:yes, Was that before or after the retreat that you went to?
Speaker 1:I'm curious, this retreat was two years ago now, oh wow, okay.
Speaker 2:But you still felt like three or four months ago you were holding on it's the career.
Speaker 1:Like you get back into the career, you get into fear, and when I'm in fear, I pull away and I I grabbed tighter yeah and I it's. It's almost like I can feel where the universe wants me to go, and sometimes I'm like no yeah, like I know what I want yeah and I know how to get what I want and I do, and sometimes it's not the healthiest way to get there. I get it some days. Sometimes it doesn't make everybody around me happy yeah and 90 of the time I'll get it.
Speaker 1:And I'm not happy and I realized if I were to just let go and let the universe kind of take me where I was supposed to go, I might might not have gotten what I want, but maybe I'd be happy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I get that.
Speaker 1:So that's my spirituality kind of right now is like this universe of like, if I let go and just let it take me where it's supposed to go, I don't know if that's the higher power, I don't know if that's a God for some people, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But for me it's like like, as long as I'm not calling all the shots all the time, yeah, it can kind of see like that's I've.
Speaker 2:I'm that and it's interesting because, like you're a little bit older than I am, so you have like more experience and like just life experience in general, I feel like for the longest time, especially after I like created what I did and felt the power from it when I my name, sky daddy was never anything that was supposed to be religious and it just kind of happened randomly where people were like oh, they also called god sky daddy. Like it was just a thing that happened. And sometimes it's funny because, like, when I think about like the higher power, I feel like my career took off and my life kind of went into the right slots, where it was supposed to be. When I started, looking at at the higher power is myself and like the person that was like calling those shots was me.
Speaker 2:But I think that in the future, when I have, I think it also has to do with, like the people around you. Like you got to trust your team and you got to have people that you can depend on, like that's yeah, you have no idea how important that is like obviously you do, but like I don't have someone like that you know, and like even Megan's like tried to be that for me, but like that's not her responsibility and I should be able to have a relationship separate from my career, you know. So being able to have, like a team that can help you navigate and and like let you take, like let go of those reins a little bit. I feel like that also comes into play like a lot.
Speaker 1:Well, it's difficult, especially coming from a place, I mean, you can date, you can take this all the way back. And I have in my own life of I remember being in therapy and talking about my career and telling my therapist like, dude, I, I built this all on my own.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I did this myself. Yes, yeah, like this is on me, and the more we talk, the more we like we get to the bottom of shit. When I was a kid, like I, it was all on me, like I had to do everything myself, like my mom was always gone, single mom, always working. I was always by myself, so it was like I had to take care of me. I had to figure it out. And then I find a career where I'm like it's all on me. I have to figure it out.
Speaker 2:Not that much has changed, nothing at all. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so. And am I doing it by myself and on my own because I think that's the best way, or am I just afraid?
Speaker 2:Am I afraid that nobody cares about me enough to like really be there for me if something goes down, like sabotage you even, or even like understand your vision enough to let those things happen the way they're supposed to? Because that, I think that was a big problem with me too is like, you know things, things that we can't talk about too much right now, but, like people in my past that have like tried to take those reins and completely like turned what I was creating into something I didn't want, that fear will always exist, right, and I feel like that fear will always exist for, like probably any artist, just because they're so like what we've created is our baby at this point and we've called, we've taken such good care of it and we've created what we've created and, like a lot of the times, it got us out of a bad situation.
Speaker 1:you know, like I'm not sure about like how that was even just like dude, like I was in this fucking camper bro yeah like I came from this fucking camper and this shit got me out of there yeah. And you want me to just hand this over to you Exactly, literally, the shit I've had to go through. I started this with my best friend.
Speaker 1:He died selling tickets to a show, and when I'm like, dude, you don't know what I've sacrificed for this shit, you don't know what I've given up To get this spot, and you just want to step in here, I'm so sorry. I didn't know that. Oh, that's crazy. It was a long time ago.
Speaker 1:I mean it doesn't really make a difference, but no, but yeah that's horrible, but that's like something where it's like when you understand what somebody's sacrifice to get where they're at yeah and you can't just expect them to just hand everything over, and you got to like understand if somebody has a hard time doing that and kind of deal kind of with, you know, child gloves for a little bit, just to kind of get to a point, and it's like little give and take things and I don't necessarily like that piece about me, that I'm kind of always like you need to prove yourself to me.
Speaker 2:No, I mean, it makes sense, it does.
Speaker 1:But it's hard being on the other end of that. I imagine working with someone who's like. You need to prove yourself to me before I can trust you.
Speaker 2:I have that issue with Megan all the time, yeah, all the time. It sucks Because you want to trust them and you want them to see your point of view, but at the same time, a lot of times, they've given you no reason to not trust them, you know, or at least give them a chance to prove that they can do good by you. I think that comes down to trust issues, especially when it comes to like, like abandonment issues and trauma, and you know what I mean. Like that we've already experienced that feeling of like okay, this person wasn't here for me, why would you be?
Speaker 2:you know, and it's just those little things that it comes back down to. Can we be reprogrammed? You know can't. Especially as artists most of artists that I know they create art to help heal their trauma, to help get all of that icky stuff out, especially nine times out of ten. I started I couldn't afford therapy, like and you know you like you get that stuff out because you're like this is an outlet and this is a thing that I can do to kind of vocalize and verbalize these feelings as opposed to just letting them sit and fester.
Speaker 1:Do you notice? There's like a scale also. For me it was like I can't just talk about this, because talking about it doesn't necessarily fix it.
Speaker 2:No, it doesn't. It unearths it. Yes.
Speaker 1:And sometimes that makes it even worse.
Speaker 2:Cause now I'm like what do I do with all of this?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so if you're, if you're doing that and then not trying to do something to fix it, it can almost be twice as bad. Yeah, I literally did it with a song that just came out and and I knew where I was when I was writing this, and I was talking about exactly where I was, but almost not acknowledging it while I was writing it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:It's like a subconscious, like I know I'm in this spot where I don't need to be. I don't like where I'm at. I've been here before, I've gotten dragged out and I found myself back here again and that's so real. Listen to, and that's so real listen to it, like you know, three months later and I'm like what the fuck? Yeah. And then you're like holy shit, how did I not recognize that when it was happening?
Speaker 1:but, it's exactly. Do you ever do that like write something and then later on you relate to it even more than you did when you were writing it?
Speaker 2:for sure. Yeah, absolutely, especially with things like triggered and stuff like that. Like, especially because it's such a vague thing when ptsd in general comes to question, it's like, okay, that may be not even about that, it's probably about that oh, I did that with, I did a free style.
Speaker 2:No, it was an open verse challenge, for I can't remember his name as the honest av the oh the overdose, yes, yeah I did a remix on that and there was like it was like lines that was like Too many memories that you don't remember Said you could help. But that was last December. I'm mourning a person that isn't dead, yeah, picking up bottles around your deathbed, and I thought I was talking about someone in my family.
Speaker 2:And then I kind of like, like you said, like looked at it a couple weeks later and was like, oh, I was talking about myself, like I'm like mourning myself, like the person I was when I was like drunk and high all the time and numbing myself and like near death and stuff like that. So I totally feel you, where you. I think that's the cool thing about art and music too. It's like these feelings that you're like I'm initially writing this for this purpose and then you're like, oh wait, no, this is for so many freaking purposes yeah, or when you write something, I've written something before.
Speaker 1:That's like I'm making this for somebody going through this and then you're like oh, I'm doing that. Billy eilish did that with the barbie, the what was I made for she was talking about that.
Speaker 2:It's crazy.
Speaker 1:It's like a super interesting dynamic. Like I wrote a song like Drag Me From Hell.
Speaker 1:It's like if you drag me from hell, would I still be safe for myself? And initially I thought I wrote it. I mean I wrote it about my girlfriend, the amount of time she's dragged me from, whatever I was going through. But then when I'm back by myself again like am I safe from falling back into whatever bad habit drugs, alcohol, you know whatever it is and then when I'm listening, the other day I was like was I writing this about God? Oh, wow, you know, the more I think about, I'm like maybe, but then the idea that if you write something that can be taken that many ways I think is great for a listener of like apply it to whatever works for you.
Speaker 2:Exactly. Yeah, I think that's what makes the best music and I feel like that's why, even like me and you have had so much success, because there's a certain vagueness to it where it's like we're not, like this is what this is about. We're like. This is just like words, where we're just kind of speaking almost as if just like a friend or just vocalizing what's going on in our heads and every week. Have you ever heard the term where it's like no one's ever had an original thought? Yeah, really, I've never had an original thought ever, and that's so true.
Speaker 2:Like when it comes to intrusive thoughts, or like even like the weirdest, darkest, deepest thoughts, like odds are, someone's had that thought too. Like it's. And like with anxiety, or even the things that I felt with, like the gay stuff, like we're not. We've all experienced more or less. It's like some of the same stuff. It's kind of same shit, different toilet kind of thing. So when it comes to music, it's the same kind of concept of like you can take those words and they, like your mind automatically just kind of like applies it to the situation, and that's like I said, that's why so many people take to, like me and you were, were able to kind of be a voice for those people that can't really verbalize that, because it's what we have is a gift here's something interesting too, because I I do agree, like having a certain um vagueness or or whatever, when you're writing lyrics helps things to be more relatable on.
Speaker 1:On one, I agree with that on like one side yeah, yeah I've found, or have a theory at least, or I've seen with my own music and I think it's the same with yours is there is like there is a power in uh, being specific yeah, I have gotten really specific lately, like pretty distractions, very much about sexualizing women and catcalling, and that had success.
Speaker 1:So like and when you're, but when you're talking about you and you're talking about your exact experience, when I'm saying this is what happened to me yeah and there is almost more a power in that. I found that people relate to specific things more than more than the vague stories as well, like if you're able to be like.
Speaker 2:This is why I wrote this story.
Speaker 2:Like I feel heavy was so successful because, like I had a video do really well because I I explained why I wrote heavy and I don't know if you saw it, but it but it was where one of my fans reached out and said that her friends didn't like her anymore after she got assaulted because she wasn't fun to be around and I related to that so much. I was like, okay, yes, I've gone through this, I can create this for you. But I actually physically told like I'd put that on Instagram and TikTok and Facebook and said this is why Heavy exists. You know, citizen Soldier's side of it is whatever he's gone through, you know from his life. But I think you're right about like being specific, about like this story that led up to why you wrote it, because then it becomes this authentic thing, as opposed to you went to a studio in Los Angeles and wrote with four other people.
Speaker 2:No offense to the people that have done that.
Speaker 1:I mean, but there is, I think, the beauty in that is the authenticity, and it's like I don't have to relate to your experience, but I relate to the feeling. And so I can relate to the feeling of feeling embarrassed or afraid or scared, even as, as a man who's never been catcalled, I've had moments in my life where I've been afraid. I've had moments in my life where I felt unsafe and if I can relate, if I can find a way in you know, it doesn't have to be something. I've been through or something.
Speaker 1:I've experienced, but that's where, like, empathy comes from is can I? Can I empathize with you? The only way for me to empathize with you is to find somewhere in my life where I felt the same.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that's where, like, green flags and men come into play because, like I've had men at my show scream what a terrible life for a woman, like, like they, they feel it and they, I think they also take from like their girlfriends and their moms and their sisters and stuff like that. So being able to, like you said, feel that empathy and like, tap into that afraidness or or feeling of similarities, that definitely it helps with, like I said, it creates like, just like a total green flag. When it comes to like just humans in general, specifically dudes, if I'm being honest, because there's some dudes that are like women, have it so easy, and then there's dudes that are like, oh no, like this is what? Like, I understand this because I've gone through something similar. You know, I I have a friend, his name is ryan, not ryan oaks, but like um, I can't remember his last name, but I met him at the songwriting camp and we were talking about like the similarities between um and it felt weird even talking about, because it felt like something I wasn't allowed to talk about.
Speaker 2:But he was like, no, like, this is very similar. We I talked about like being a woman and the, the, the shit that we go through, and then he talked about being black and the shit that he goes through and I was like I don't want to say they're at all similar. He's like oh no, they are like, they're. You know, and it was so. It was nice to hear him say that because, like it just created this, like almost this bridge that unfortunately, men and women have been kind of like at war with each other for since, well, the beginning of time. But like here lately it's pretty bad. You know, like on it, like I get so much I I need to stop doing it. But I argue with a lot of people on my facebook over like all that stuff. I don't know why I waste my time with it. I think I secretly like it anyways.
Speaker 1:But it's your.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you got something in there that, like I just want to like, I feel like they set like a fire in me and they're like well, like, women shouldn't like I don't know they get into the topic and I don't know your stance on this but like, how, like bodily autonomy and the roe versus wade thing and I've been promoting battlefield a lot, which is me expressing my frustration when it comes to women not being able to make choices for themselves like no, like we should not have this. This isn't even being conversation, right?
Speaker 1:now you know um, and then like I just mentioned, make decisions, for I'm always like no uterus, no opinion.
Speaker 2:And then they're like but what if they're a father? And I'm like the wife should have a conversation, the girl should have a conversation with the father and be like hey, just to let you, let you know, I'm going to go do this or like that, but it's ultimately her decision, you know, because it's her body, like she's going to care. I could go on for days, but these are the things that I argue with.
Speaker 1:I think a lot of people just can't wrap their head around the fact sometimes that your story and your experience does not. It's not knocking, it's. It's not knocking, it's just you telling your experience and it's not you trying to put anybody else down or build a narrative about somebody else. And I think a lot of maybe even a lot of men are just like everyone thinks I hate men.
Speaker 2:It's exhausting, it's so stupid. It's like what do you? I have so many male fans.
Speaker 1:Like it's crazy, like they're it's people like to build a narrative and they like to paint people in one color so that they can wrap their heads around it and not understand that this is the internet also, and you're seeing a 45-second clip of a person and you're basing your entire view of this person on 45 seconds it's so annoying.
Speaker 2:Honestly, a lot of reasons why people don't like me is because I look like someone that has bullied them in the past their ex-girlfriend or they like. Take a look at either my beliefs or my septum ring and assume that they know everything about me and it's crazy, it doesn't make any sense. And then it's like the whole like leftist tom mcdonald thing where it's like what the fuck is that? I don't even know what a leftist is. So I don't, I don't, I really don't. I don't get politics, I don't really care about them, Like.
Speaker 1:so it's like, especially because I feel like a lot of times it's lose, lose. I think that's an important part of your narrative, though, too, is like you're not pushing a political agenda, you're not pushing a narrative, you're just Story.
Speaker 2:Yeah, let people have their own fucking story exactly, exactly so, like it doesn't make any sense how people are just like you, jesus, a man like that, honestly, to be completely real, that happened a lot during the Savior story tour, where it was like men in the crowd that were there for citizen soldier Maybe even Icon prior and they had this like energy. That was like why is she on stage right now? Why is she preaching these things? There was even a woman there that was like don't bring your kids to this show. She's pushing the gay agenda and speaking ill against parents that believe in helping make good choices for their children and she mocks god with her name and believes in abortions. And it's just this, just this whole, like this narrative that's just created and it's just there's nothing you can do about it and I really need to stay off the internet like that's, that's at the end of the day, I think you're trying to do the same thing.
Speaker 1:I'm trying to do in a different way is I'm trying to reach the. I'm trying to reach me out in the audience, like if there's another of me like for you to not feel so, and that's why we created this. And if that makes all of you mad, but it fucking reaches one person then it's worth it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's like just let me, Didn't Eminem have a line like that?
Speaker 1:It's like I'm not here to save the fucking children.
Speaker 2:But if one kid out of a hundred million feels and relates, that's great.
Speaker 1:Exactly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's so real.
Speaker 1:That's so real song yes, oh yes, absolutely. I love that, I love our song so much I'm super excited about it and I've been wanting to do some with you for a while and I think we were like yeah, going back and forth here and there and I don't think people know how difficult it is to actually make like a collaboration actually comes so hard yeah because you have to have the right song.
Speaker 1:It's got to be the right vibe and the right timing and people have to, schedules have to kind of line up and the song has to work and both people have to have something to say and feel it and all that kind of stuff and ours is great, because I sent you, uh, like a folder of beats and that maddie and I had been working on, and I was like, dude, I'm the let's make something that you know we could do with sky daddy, so make me, let's make a bunch of beats made, a bunch of stuff put in a folder. I sent it to you and I think a while went by, maybe like a month or something yeah, yeah and you were like I.
Speaker 1:I wrote a verse to throne like this is the shit. I love this one oh yeah and I was like I didn't throne what the fuck? Because I had just written a second verse to throne yeah, like I didn't know, I put it in the folder oh, oh, my God. Because it was. It was just a solo song that I'd I'd been sitting on for a while.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And never found anyone for the second verse, so I just ended up writing one. Yeah, and was like about to record it in a couple of days, and you were like I was like what I didn't I? Oh fuck, I did and I was like, alright, well, let's go, that's awesome. And then you sent me the verse and, honestly, I did have a thing where I was like I hope it's better than what I did yeah, yeah, no, I would be like.
Speaker 1:I took time to write this shit and I listened to it and you fucking smashed it, smashed it, dude way, fucking blew my second verse out of the water and I was, I fucking sent it to Maddie and everybody was like dude, she fucking crushed it and I'm so happy about it and I really think it's dope just the song that it is and what it's about. Cause, like you were saying, I think a lot of people might expect us to just be talking about sad stuff or very deep shit instead of something that's like oh, it's so empowering, it's cool as shit it's like next phase type, exactly empowering.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's cool as shit, like I'm here, like phase type, exactly yeah, and I think you absolutely like smashed it.
Speaker 2:Thank you, you do too.
Speaker 1:What was it about that song? Was it like the chorus, where you're like? This is?
Speaker 2:I think Did you send me like your whole verse on it. I think you sent me your whole verse, verse chorus like story of it all. I feel like the chorus probably hit it because like I'm really into like I don't know, just like fantasy royalty kind of stuff like that.
Speaker 2:Um so like the idea of like breaking out of that mold and even like having like people look down on you for so long and stuff like and I've been, I've just been creating like sad song after sad song and just like rolling around in trauma for so long, like, plus, I wanted so badly to be able to have trauma core enter.
Speaker 2:It's like it doesn't just need to be these sad songs like trauma core can also exist as this like empowering powerful dope ass like workout type music you know, um, and I think that was the where I was like, okay, like I'm in that headspace right now because, like things have gone really well, so I feel like I was able to create all of that sad stuff because I was really sad. You know, that's how we created and but like now I'm about to move into a new house in nashville and I I take care of my, like my girlfriend and her brother and like my mom's so fucking proud of me, and I have this feeling of just pride for everything I've created and everything that I've done. So the idea of sitting on that throne even in Pretty Distraction and the music video, I sit on a throne so there's just something that I felt. I felt so connected to it, where I was like this is the one, let's do it, yeah.
Speaker 1:I do like the idea of like. For me it's a lot of the same idea of like I'm, I made it to where I want to be and you still want to talk about me yeah facts and so that's where it's like maybe I'm a little angry yeah maybe I'm like what more do I have to prove?
Speaker 1:and I don't feel like I have anything I have to prove. But it's like that's the whole idea, like if you doubt me, then just fucking leave me alone. Like put me back here and fucking. Like leave me where you found me and like I love it I will get back to where I need to.
Speaker 2:I'll get to where I want to be on my own yeah, like I really I don't need you or your input, you're still gonna give it, but like what's that thing? That's like, opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one who's going. We like don't need it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, thanks, anyway, exactly with that, and then I'm just like, uh, in the fact that you know we're able to do content and that you came out and we're able to be here for this, and yeah it's been just awesome yeah, I wouldn't have missed it.
Speaker 2:I was so excited to work with you. You're just like your, your energy is just, it's just so real and nice to be around. And we talked for fucking hours about everything last night, to the point where we didn't even get to do the podcast yesterday.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, I was like we should just have the microphones on. What are we doing, right?
Speaker 2:But, yeah, no, I really appreciate you coordinating all this and getting all this together. It's such a good song and I have such high hopes that it's going to be something that both of our fans can listen to and be like oh yes, finally Like something that I can feel. Like I said, you can go outside and you can jog to it or you can work out to it or just feel like a total badass, bad bitch listening to Screaming in your car?
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly, exactly. It's so good and then when it gets to the like, the harmonies and stuff, it's just this perfect combination. It's very Linkin Park meets Paramore and I love it and it's honestly something that I feel like the world hasn't had in a long time. I agree.
Speaker 2:You know Almost like what was it? Linkin Park and Evanescence? Yeah, like it's very like that, like one of those songs. But what was it? Linkin Park and Evanescence? Like it's very like that, like one of those songs, but like upbeat and powerful. So it's, it's going to be cool, it's awesome.
Speaker 1:I think you are at the very beginning of a of a huge career. That's going to be like, I think you're. We talked about it yesterday. I'm like, dude, you've come. I think it's amazing. I love what you're doing and if you ever need anything in the world, ever for me, or just have anything.
Speaker 2:I'm going to like pick your brain If you're like yo. Somebody said this. What does this word mean? What?
Speaker 1:does perpetuity mean Call me anytime? My phone is always open. I'm bad with text, but if you call me, I always pick up.
Speaker 2:Okay, I appreciate that. I'm gonna take you up on that because I feel, just being an independent artist, there's so much you don't know yeah and that's my main issue right now is like the, the vocab and the jargon, and it's not even just like the music stuff, it's like the music business stuff and then it's like this, like scary monster that I don't how to navigate around.
Speaker 2:And I'm working on it and I have a team and stuff and that's awesome. But there are still some things where, like you as a person, like you need to know these things. Like you said, the song trust and sound exchange.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's a lot of it. It's intentionally confusing.
Speaker 2:So you like leave money on the table, that's just crazy. Oh my God, I definitely have for sure table.
Speaker 1:That's just crazy. Oh my god, I definitely have for sure. I have people in my life that I reach out to when I don't have an idea, or when I'm confused, or you know I mean, I think everybody needs to have like a mentor. I don't know everything, yeah but I can point you in the right direction I love that.
Speaker 1:I appreciate that you know what I mean and yeah, so thank you yeah, awesome we have to go film content now for this song, uh, so we're gonna get out of here. But everybody follow sky daddy. You're just at sky daddy on all platforms yeah, yeah, everything's, everything's sky daddy music so like sky dx ddy music. Sky daddy music on like everything except youtube and that's just sky daddy so go follow her, make sure you check her out, listen to her music, follow her content and, uh, thanks for hanging out.
Speaker 2:It's been awesome. Yeah, this was, this was nice let's go make some more stuff oh yeah peace out guys.